Apples and Onions

January 6, 2009

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Do watch. However, the best part is the MacBook Wheel’s sentence completion function. Megorious provides a list of the sentence you see briefly in the video. I knew this was worth looking up when two of the suggested sentences caught my eye:

The aardvark asked for a dagger.

The abortion went well.

Wow. The complete list–my favorites are in bold:

The aardvark admitted its fault.
The aardvark admitted it was wrong.
The aardvark asked for an aardvark.
The aardvark asked for a dagger.
The aardvark asked for health.
The aardvark asked for a ride.
The absinthe arrived by airmail.
The abortion went well.
The actor asked for an aardvark.
The actor asked for abstinance.
The actor asked for redemption.
The advertisement was effective.
The agile aardvark arrived by airmail.
The agile aardvark bathed with beauties.
The agriculture was cultivated by the coral.
The aggravated driver beeped on his horn.
The aggravated rooster scratched the dirt.
The Althusserian scholar gave his copy of Lacan’s “Ecrits” to the abortion doctor.
The amiable Althusserian scholar asked the aardvark for an absinthe.
The amiable crocodile brushed his teeth with a toothbrush.
The amiable doctor performed the operation admirably.
The annex was covered with asbestos.
The annex was crawling with beetles.
The apple was airmailed by the doctor.
The apple was consumed by the amiable crocodile.
The apple was inquiring about the amiable crocodile’s friend.
The aquamarine lifevest was not used.
The aquamarine lifevest was unpopular.
The armchair was uncomfortable.
The armchair was favoured by the amiable housecat.
The ass asked for a better absinthe.
The ass brayed the moon.
The assumptive doctor did not accept our personal check.
The assumptive agricultural expert eyed out absinthe suspiciously.
The attractive peanut farmer graded the term paper.
The attractive rooster preened its feathers to attract absinthe.
The auxiliary generator has malfunctioned.
The awning covered the agile aardvark during the amiable rainstorm.
The awning was too tall to touch.
The babbling baby asked the aardvark for some absinthe.


“Coming Soon”

January 6, 2009

Prince of Petworth, a great local blog, has a post up on the mockery/cruelty of a Coming Soon sign… I couldn’t help myself–here’s my mockery of the sign:

parody


An Honest College Ad?

June 9, 2008

Maybe…


Ode to Science Fairs

April 29, 2008

Today I helped judge a science fair for 4th-9th graders. It was about what you’d expect for those age groups–some presentations showed sciences of thoughtful, work-intensive research projects appropriate to the age, but likely coached along by the parents, especially in the realm of presentation. Other projects were pretty awful, ranging from the funny (spelling fertilizer “fertilize” throughout a project, dozens of times) to the odd and half-finished (completely lacking data and/or conclusions).

And then there was the one that won we judges’ “Most Inappropriate Science Fair Project of the Day Award.” On this project in the 4-6th grade section (presumably about some unique botanical or chemical research affair, I don’t remember which) were taped a number of photos–all related to the project. Except for one little comic, that happened to be taped to the backboard in triplicate. I can only imagine that an innocent 4th grader taped this up, not understanding its significance and needing to fill space, or a deviant parent played a trick on their aspiring naturalist. Either way, I laughed so hard that I came home and Googled the image. Adults only below the fold (no pun intended).
Read the rest of this entry »


The Sting of Defeat

April 28, 2008

Behold their mighty wrath!

“And the heads of thine enemies shall be laid up in piles.” -1 Keller 10:17


The Hill

April 10, 2008

I’m sure it’ll get old very quickly, but there’s a new Stuff White People Like rip-off, it’s Stuff Hill People Like. That’s right, in case working on Capitol Hill doesn’t make one busy enough already, now there’s a blog about it.

The things Hill people like so far?

1. Business cards
2. Interns
3. The West Wing
4. Gchat
5. Recess
6. Their Parents’ Money
7. Blackberries

As a former Hill intern, I liked this quote from the Interns post:

An intern’s “official” function is to do the mail, answer the phones, and give tours to constituents. When interns aren’t around, these are all things Staff Assistants are made to do, so Hill People love interns because interns are essentially everyone’s bitch. Plus, when you’re fresh out of an Ivy League college and working a job a dyslexic six-year-old could probably do, you really need to degrade and humiliate an intern every few hours to remember how super awesome you are.

Now I’m gonna go watch another West Wing episode . . .


Yes, Some People Enjoy This

April 8, 2008

carman witch

And not just for the humor.

Carman’s “A Witch’s Invitation”

Some of the lyrics:

One peaceful afternoon I picked up from my mailbox the strangest looking letter I’d ever seen, a chilling little envelope bordered with flying bats, and serpents whose eyes were tinted green. The letter was addressed to me so as I opened it I froze. What I read turned my complexion three shades of blue. It said, “My name is Issac Horowitz. I’m a male witch, a warlock and I feel I need to spend some time with you.”

You know, there are more homoerotic undertones here than in The Lord of the Rings. I’m sure it was unintentional though.

He had the house you’d expect, the old English cottage, a “Nightmare on Elm Street” special right to the core, the overgrown ivy, the gate that creaked when opened, somehow you’d expect Freddy to answer this door. The doorbell rang, a hollow gong, the knob twisted then opened, and Issac stood before me with a grin. His jet black hair and well trimmed beard flowed with his black silk clothes. My skin crawled as he said, “Please come on in.”

Actually, all the warlocks I know live in incredible well-kept single room flats in dense urban areas. Guess Carman met one of the rare suburban warlocks.

Then he led me to a high backed chair as he meticulously began to unfold his scenario with evil patience.

Bet that chair will bring a pretty penny on eBay.

I was given a giant leather bound book jammed with newspaper clipping, thus the reason for this witch’s invitation. With eagerness he pointed to each article with pride. He said, “I healed this woman through a Babylonian chant; See this man, I cured him while performing druid worship; I was paid to curse this man with AIDS by his aunt.”

Which really sounds familiar to the superstitions you run into in Africa about AIDS. Sigh…

And later. . .

I knew then how Moses felt, how when his rod turned to a serpent and the three Egyptian magicians did the same.

Man, I hate it when my rod turns to a serpent.

At the end:

Then Issac jumped up from his chair and screamed, “You must leave now!” I said, “I will, but one last obligation-Next time think twice before you rumble with a man of God!!! ”

That’s what Ted Haggard said.

h/t Lame-O Weblog


The Ultimate Headline?

April 8, 2008

How many times do you get to have a headline in a legitimate newspaper that inclues the words “Nazi,” “Grand Prix,” and “Orgy”?

At least once in a lifetime, evidently.

So it seems Mr. Mosley was secretly videotaped taking part in a sadomachistic orgy with five prostitutes (bet Elliot Spitzer feels like a wimp now!).

Family history has added to the notoriety: Mr. Mosley, 67, is the younger son of Britain’s 1930s fascist leader, Sir Oswald Mosley, and the society beauty Diana Mitford, whose secret wedding in Berlin in October 1936 was held at the home of the Nazi propaganda chief Joseph Goebbels and included Hitler as a guest of honor.

Actually, it may be that a lot of the blame for this is on the tabloid (which Mosley is now suing) that set this sting up and claimed it had a Nazi theme.

The Times of London reported Friday that Mr. Mosley would argue in his lawsuit that he spoke German during the sex-and-bondage session because two of the women involved were Germans, not to engage in Nazi role playing.

That might actually be a legitimate reason… It doesn’t sound like there was anything explicitly Nazi going on, but once the press picked up on the theme, the condemnations started rolling in, so I’d guess Mr. Mosley is on his way out of the spotlight very soon. The only way to know for sure would be to evaluate the actual video, and I don’t think either my sanity or Christian U’s rules would permit that.

Best quote of the day comes from The News of the World, the lovely tabloid that broke the story. They described it as “a depraved Nazi sadomasochistic orgy.” Yes, that’s right, it wasn’t just a Nazi sadomasochistic orgy. It was a depraved one.


Deep Existential Torment is Sexy

April 7, 2008

torment existential

More and more philosophy majors these days. This article proposes that, somewhat paradoxically, tougher economic times are pushing people to ever more general (and arguably less marketable) college majors. The first paragraph made me laugh, as they describe the oh-so-unexpected shift of a pre-med freshwoman to a pre-law senior. Must’ve been Organic Chem.

The money quote is at the end though:

Jenna Schaal-O’Connor, a 20-year-old sophomore who is majoring in cognitive science and linguistics, said philosophy had other perks. She said she found many male philosophy majors interesting and sensitive.

“That whole deep existential torment,” she said. “It’s good for getting girlfriends.”