This questionnaire is for “self-avowed heterosexuals” only.
1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
I’m pretty sure I was born this way, but how would I know?
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
Well, I guess I’ve just always been attracted to girls.
3. Is it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
Possible, but how can you ever know at the time? I’m just living my experience as I know it now.
4. Could it be that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
Quite likely. Look at where I go to school!
5. If you’ve never slept with a person of the same sex, how can you be sure you wouldn’t prefer that?
Um.. body hair?
6. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?
My friends and parents know, and they’re mostly understanding.
7. Why do heterosexuals feel compelled to seduce others into their lifestyle?
Why don’t you stop beating your wife?
8. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality? Can’t you just be what you are and keep it quiet?
I was thinking of starting an annual parade actually.
9. Would you want your children to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they’d face?
Probably not. The dilemmas of rejection from the gay community and ethical questions concerning having children are just too great a burden to bear.
10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual men. Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual male teachers, pediatricians, priests, or scoutmasters?
Probably not. We really shouldn’t let children be around men at all given these stats. That’s why I advocate schools, hospitals, churches, and scout troops with all female leaders.
11. With all the societal support for marriage, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
It’s hard being an oppressed majority.
12. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
Because we can make babies. Deal with it.
13. Considering the menace of overpopulation, how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?
14. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Don’t you fear s/he might be inclined to influence you in the direction of her/his own leanings?
I just don’t trust therapists in general.
15. Heterosexuals are notorious for assigning themselves and one another rigid, stereotyped sex roles. Why must you cling to such unhealthy role-playing?
16. With the sexually segregated living conditions of military life, isn’t heterosexuality incompatible with military service?
Probably so. I prefer the Sacred Band model.
17. How can you enjoy an emotionally fulfilling experience with a person of the other sex when there are such vast differences between you? How can a man know what pleases a woman sexually or vice-versa?
It’s probably not possible. We’re all doomed to live lives of disconnected, ambivalent oblivion.
18. Shouldn’t you ask your far-out straight cohorts, like skinheads and born-agains, to keep quiet? Wouldn’t that improve your image?
I ask them all the time, but I can’t control how they live their lives. If they want to get married to just one woman, and try and raise children who are only straight, who am I to stop them?
19. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?
And then there are some more…